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 Joke for the day

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Primetyme199
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PostSubject: Joke for the day   Mon Sep 26, 2011 8:47 pm

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "About a gallon."

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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Mon Sep 26, 2011 9:30 pm

lol!
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Tue Sep 27, 2011 10:52 am

Simple Truth-

Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed!
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MMAEYES
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Tue Sep 27, 2011 10:59 am

LOL I stole that for my FB status, good one PT
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Tue Sep 27, 2011 11:05 am

Good idea Eyes. I'm going to do that too.
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OU
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Tue Sep 27, 2011 11:11 am

freakzilla wrote:
Good idea Eyes. I'm going to do that too.
Not so sure it comes across the same from a non-American, Muslim one at that.

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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Tue Sep 27, 2011 11:31 am

I changed it to prime minister and cabinet. Everyone hates her. Also in my community we all hate terrorists as well.
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killerofchicken
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Tue Sep 27, 2011 11:37 am

freakzilla wrote:
I changed it to prime minister and cabinet. Everyone hates her. Also in my community we all hate terrorists as well.
i think even terrorists hate terrorists... thats a given Very Happy

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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Tue Sep 27, 2011 11:39 am

Is a Matt Serra supporter a terrorist?

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Last edited by OU on Tue Sep 27, 2011 11:42 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Tue Sep 27, 2011 11:40 am

killerofchicken wrote:
freakzilla wrote:
I changed it to prime minister and cabinet. Everyone hates her. Also in my community we all hate terrorists as well.
i think even terrorists hate terrorists... thats a given Very Happy

Kiss My a$$ fuck you man, fuck you tongue
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Tue Sep 27, 2011 11:41 am

OU wrote:
Is a Matt Serra supporter a terrorist.

Yes, because of what he did to GSP!
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killerofchicken
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Tue Sep 27, 2011 11:41 am

freakzilla wrote:
killerofchicken wrote:
freakzilla wrote:
I changed it to prime minister and cabinet. Everyone hates her. Also in my community we all hate terrorists as well.
i think even terrorists hate terrorists... thats a given Very Happy

Kiss My a$$ fuck you man, fuck you tongue

haha whats that about? i was just saying that terrorists aren't well liked lol... you're just mad you didn't start welker lol

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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Tue Sep 27, 2011 11:44 am

killerofchicken wrote:
freakzilla wrote:
killerofchicken wrote:
freakzilla wrote:
I changed it to prime minister and cabinet. Everyone hates her. Also in my community we all hate terrorists as well.
i think even terrorists hate terrorists... thats a given Very Happy

Kiss My a$$ fuck you man, fuck you tongue

haha whats that about? i was just saying that terrorists aren't well liked lol... you're just mad you didn't start welker lol

Why you have to bring up old shit for tongue
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MMAEYES
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Tue Sep 27, 2011 11:45 am

Says 2 Dyslexic bank robbers attempted to rob the local bank today. They ran in and said " Air in the hands mother stickers this is a fuck up!!"
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killerofchicken
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Tue Sep 27, 2011 11:46 am

MMAEYES wrote:
Says 2 Dyslexic bank robbers attempted to rob the local bank today. They ran in and said " Air in the hands mother stickers this is a fuck up!!"
lmao

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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Tue Sep 27, 2011 11:46 am

MMAEYES wrote:
Says 2 Dyslexic bank robbers attempted to rob the local bank today. They ran in and said " Air in the hands mother stickers this is a fuck up!!"

lol!
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Tue Oct 04, 2011 1:34 pm

High School Sweetheart Revenge

There
were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years
in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity
with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both
go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the
east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.

They agreed to be
faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time
went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he
wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed
her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to
him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and
increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love.
Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to
get him off her back. So what she did was this:

She took a
Polaroid picture of herself sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables
and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I have a new
boyfriend leave me alone." Well needless to say, this guy was
heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed. So what he did next was
awesome:

He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear
Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!"
and then mailed the picture to her parents.

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Ludo
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Tue Oct 04, 2011 1:46 pm

What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly your dick up some girls ass.

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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Tue Oct 04, 2011 1:48 pm

Ludo wrote:
What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly your dick up some girls ass.
You can't? I can. You jelly?

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killerofchicken
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Tue Oct 04, 2011 1:53 pm

Ludo wrote:
What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly your dick up some girls ass.

hahaha

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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Tue Oct 18, 2011 10:25 am

http://www.killsometime.com/jokes/6440/Anger-Management-It-really-does-work!
When you occasionally have a really bad day,
And you just need to take it out on someone,
Dont take it out on someone you know,
Take it out on someone you dont know,
But you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
A phone call Id forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying Hello..

I politely said, This is Rick
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
Get the right f***ing number!
And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldnt believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyns correct number to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed
the last two digits.

After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the wrong number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
Youre an asshole! And hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word asshole next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,
When I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
Id call him up and yell, Youre an asshole!

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling would have to stop.

So,
I called his number and said, Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone
company. Im calling to see if youre familiar with our
Caller ID Program?

He yelled NO!
And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said,
Thats because youre an asshole! And hung up.

One day I was at the store,
Getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot
I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that Id been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a For Sale sign in his back window,
So I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole
(I now had his number on speed dial)
I thought that Id better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?

He said, Yes, it is.

I then asked, Can you tell me where I can see it?

He said, Yes, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. , in Fairfax
Its a yellow ranch style house And the cars parked right out in front.

I asked, Whats your name?

He said, My name is Don Hansen.

I asked, Whens a good time to catch you, Don?

He said, Im home every evening after five.

I said, Listen, Don, can I tell you something?

He said, Yes?

I said, Don, youre an asshole!

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called asshole #1.

He said, Hello

I said, Youre an asshole!
(But I didnt hang up.)

He asked, Are you still there?

I said, Yeah!

He screamed, Stop calling me

I said, Make me.

He asked, Who are you?

I said, My name is Don Hansen.

He said, Yeah? Where do you live?

I said, Asshole, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd., in Fairfax ,
A yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.

He said, Im coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.

I said, Yeah, like Im really scared, asshole,
And hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, Hello?

I said, Hello, asshole,

He yelled, If I ever find out who you are...

I said, Youll what?

He exclaimed, Ill kick your ass

I answered, Well, asshole, heres your chance.
Im coming over right now.

Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oak Tree Blvd, in Fairfax to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oak Tree Blvd in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch the two assholes
beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Tue Oct 18, 2011 10:26 am

WANTED

A tall, well-built woman with good
sense of humor, who can cook frog
legs and who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.

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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Wed Nov 30, 2011 7:33 am

A woman goes to the doctor with bruises on her face. Doctor asks what happened? The woman says Doctor I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he slaps me around. The doc says I have a real good cure for that, when your husband comes home drunk take a glass of water and swish it around in your mouth. Just swish & swish until he goes to bed and is asleep. 2 weeks later the woman returns looking fresh and reborn. The woman says doctor that was brilliant every time my husband came home drunk I swished and swished and he didn't touch me! How does the water do that? The doc replies the water does fuck all...it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Wed Nov 30, 2011 7:34 am

A blonde drops off her small black dress at the chinese dry cleaners. On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says "come again". The blonde says "no its toothpaste this time you nosey bitch"
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Fri Dec 02, 2011 3:53 pm

the metropolitan police have found themselves at the centre of another race storm after detaining a coach party of thalidomide muslims at dover port.

they were suspected of bringing small arms into the country.
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