Simo Häyhä
In the winter of 1939, the Soviet Union was dicks. Russian Premier
Josef Stalin thought it would be really fucking hilarious if he all of a
sudden sent like two million of his dudes over to nearby Finland to
start kicking everyone's asses and seizing whatever land he could get
his borsch-covered hands on, while simultaneously kicking puppies and
shouting profanities at inanimate objects in a vodka-and-caviar induced
roid rage. While this may have been a laugh riot for Stalin and his
numbnuts cronies, the Finnish people obviously were a little unhappy
with the prospect of having all their cross-country skis, Winter
Olympics gold medals and salmon fishing boats captured by a rampaging
horde of godless commie bastards, so they decided to open an extra-large
can of whoop-ass and give the Russkies the ballsack kicking they were
apparently looking for.
Now when you think of Finland, the phrase "military powerhouse" isn't
exactly the first thing that pops into your head. Likewise, when you
looked at Simo Häyhä, a slight-framed Finnish farmer who didn't stand an
inch over five feet tall, you also probably didn't think "total fucking
unstoppable badass". Well let's just say that first impressions can be
deceiving.
Simo was a member of a Finnish organization roughly equivalent to the
minutemen of the American Revolution. He had done his state-mandated one-year
term in the Finnish Army, reaching the rank of corporal, and was living a
peaceful life in a farming village not far from the Russian border,
spending his days farming, hunting, and crushing giant logs into sawdust
with his bare hands. When the Soviets crossed the border into Finland
with the expressed purpose of busting Finnish heads, Simo was called up
into service. He went out to the wood shed behind his house, grabbed
his old-school Russian-made Mosin-Nagant M28/30 rifle and headed out to
take some commies behind a proverbial woodshed of his own.
Häyhä's specialty was his knowledge of the forests, his enduring
patience and his impeccable rifle marksmanship. A sniper by trade, he
would dress up in all-white camouflage, sneak through the woods with
only a day's worth of food and couple clips of ammunition, and then lie
in wait for any Russian stupid enough to wander into his killzone. His
first battle-experience came in the hard-fought Kollaa campaign, where a
severely outnumbered Finnish force bore the brunt of a large-scale
Russian assault. Temperatures at this time ranged from -20 to -40
degrees Celsius, and the entire forest was covered with several feet of
snow. While this played havoc on the inexperienced and under-equipped
Russian invaders, the Finns were right at home in it because FINLAND IS
FUCKING COLD AS SHIT ALL THE TIME and they're used to it there.
Throughout this campaign, Häyhä basically just ran around doling out
head-shots like the ice cream man gives out Dove bars on a hot sunny day
in the Sahara desert. His personal best was fucking twenty-five kills
in a single day. That's like an entire baseball team.
Throughout the Winter War (as it would come to be known), Simo Häyhä ran
around being what experienced HALO players would call a "camping fag",
and scoring enough kill shots to make fucking RoboCop and the Terminator
hide their heads in shame. He would come to be known throughout the
Russian Army as "The White Death", and at one point in the war they even
went so far as to try and launch a couple of goddamned artillery
strikes on locations at which they thought he might be hiding. That's
desperation there - like even more desperate than a nymphomaniac babe at
a convention for castrated male models.
After hearing about how much ass Häyhä was kicking out on the frozen
tundra of eastern Finland with an antiquated bolt-action piece-of-shit
rifle, the Finnish High Command decided to give him a special award: a
custom-built Sako M2/28-30
Sniper Rifle of Headshots +3. He put
this to good use, killing the ever-loving shit out of anyone that
crossed him. On several occasions the Russians sent their own snipers
to take him out, but Simo managed to win those duels every time. You
see, Häyhä not only passed out long-range silent death to anyone with a
red star on his hat, but he did it without the aid of a telescopic
sight. He preferred to use the rifle's regular iron sights because it
allowed him to present a smaller target, and because several of the
commie snipers he moked out were given away by a glint of light
reflecting off the lenses of their scopes. He obviously didn't want to
fall to this fate, so he went balls-out and wasted assholes the
old-fashioned (and unarguably the more hardcore) way.
Finally, on 2 March 1940, some Soviet bastard got a lucky shot off and
popped Simo Häyhä in the jaw with an explosive bullet. Häyhä fell into a
coma and was pulled off the field by his comerades. He would finally
awake eleven days later, on the same day that the Winter War ended. He
would go on to live to the ripe old age of 97.
The Winter War ended as a victory for Finland. The Red Army captured a
mere 22,000 square miles of territory and lost close to one million men,
more than forty times the number of Finnish casualties. Simo Häyhä
received five medals for valour, including the prestigious Kollaa Cross,
and was express-promoted from corporal to second lieutenant.
Throughout the war, Häyhä raked in a total of 505 confirmed sniper kills
(in some sources he is credited with 542). On top of this, he also
mowed down two hundred men with a Suomi 9mm submachine gun, bringing his
total kill count to over 700 men in under 100 days.
Nobody in history has ever been credited with more confirmed kills than
Simo Häyhä. He was an unlikely war hero who used patience, cunning and
precision to defend his country, his home, his people and his freedom
from communist totalitarian oppression. He was an unstoppable killing
machine the likes of which the world has never known before or since.
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