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 Bad Ass of the Week

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GDPofDRC
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PostSubject: Bad Ass of the Week   Wed Sep 26, 2012 6:44 pm

Simo Häyhä

In the winter of 1939, the Soviet Union was dicks. Russian Premier
Josef Stalin thought it would be really fucking hilarious if he all of a
sudden sent like two million of his dudes over to nearby Finland to
start kicking everyone's asses and seizing whatever land he could get
his borsch-covered hands on, while simultaneously kicking puppies and
shouting profanities at inanimate objects in a vodka-and-caviar induced
roid rage. While this may have been a laugh riot for Stalin and his
numbnuts cronies, the Finnish people obviously were a little unhappy
with the prospect of having all their cross-country skis, Winter
Olympics gold medals and salmon fishing boats captured by a rampaging
horde of godless commie bastards, so they decided to open an extra-large
can of whoop-ass and give the Russkies the ballsack kicking they were
apparently looking for.



Now when you think of Finland, the phrase "military powerhouse" isn't
exactly the first thing that pops into your head. Likewise, when you
looked at Simo Häyhä, a slight-framed Finnish farmer who didn't stand an
inch over five feet tall, you also probably didn't think "total fucking
unstoppable badass". Well let's just say that first impressions can be
deceiving.



Simo was a member of a Finnish organization roughly equivalent to the minutemen
of the American Revolution. He had done his state-mandated one-year
term in the Finnish Army, reaching the rank of corporal, and was living a
peaceful life in a farming village not far from the Russian border,
spending his days farming, hunting, and crushing giant logs into sawdust
with his bare hands. When the Soviets crossed the border into Finland
with the expressed purpose of busting Finnish heads, Simo was called up
into service. He went out to the wood shed behind his house, grabbed
his old-school Russian-made Mosin-Nagant M28/30 rifle and headed out to
take some commies behind a proverbial woodshed of his own.



Häyhä's specialty was his knowledge of the forests, his enduring
patience and his impeccable rifle marksmanship. A sniper by trade, he
would dress up in all-white camouflage, sneak through the woods with
only a day's worth of food and couple clips of ammunition, and then lie
in wait for any Russian stupid enough to wander into his killzone. His
first battle-experience came in the hard-fought Kollaa campaign, where a
severely outnumbered Finnish force bore the brunt of a large-scale
Russian assault. Temperatures at this time ranged from -20 to -40
degrees Celsius, and the entire forest was covered with several feet of
snow. While this played havoc on the inexperienced and under-equipped
Russian invaders, the Finns were right at home in it because FINLAND IS
FUCKING COLD AS SHIT ALL THE TIME and they're used to it there.
Throughout this campaign, Häyhä basically just ran around doling out
head-shots like the ice cream man gives out Dove bars on a hot sunny day
in the Sahara desert. His personal best was fucking twenty-five kills
in a single day. That's like an entire baseball team.



Throughout the Winter War (as it would come to be known), Simo Häyhä ran
around being what experienced HALO players would call a "camping fag",
and scoring enough kill shots to make fucking RoboCop and the Terminator
hide their heads in shame. He would come to be known throughout the
Russian Army as "The White Death", and at one point in the war they even
went so far as to try and launch a couple of goddamned artillery
strikes on locations at which they thought he might be hiding. That's
desperation there - like even more desperate than a nymphomaniac babe at
a convention for castrated male models.



After hearing about how much ass Häyhä was kicking out on the frozen
tundra of eastern Finland with an antiquated bolt-action piece-of-shit
rifle, the Finnish High Command decided to give him a special award: a
custom-built Sako M2/28-30 Sniper Rifle of Headshots +3. He put
this to good use, killing the ever-loving shit out of anyone that
crossed him. On several occasions the Russians sent their own snipers
to take him out, but Simo managed to win those duels every time. You
see, Häyhä not only passed out long-range silent death to anyone with a
red star on his hat, but he did it without the aid of a telescopic
sight. He preferred to use the rifle's regular iron sights because it
allowed him to present a smaller target, and because several of the
commie snipers he moked out were given away by a glint of light
reflecting off the lenses of their scopes. He obviously didn't want to
fall to this fate, so he went balls-out and wasted assholes the
old-fashioned (and unarguably the more hardcore) way.



Finally, on 2 March 1940, some Soviet bastard got a lucky shot off and
popped Simo Häyhä in the jaw with an explosive bullet. Häyhä fell into a
coma and was pulled off the field by his comerades. He would finally
awake eleven days later, on the same day that the Winter War ended. He
would go on to live to the ripe old age of 97.



The Winter War ended as a victory for Finland. The Red Army captured a
mere 22,000 square miles of territory and lost close to one million men,
more than forty times the number of Finnish casualties. Simo Häyhä
received five medals for valour, including the prestigious Kollaa Cross,
and was express-promoted from corporal to second lieutenant.
Throughout the war, Häyhä raked in a total of 505 confirmed sniper kills
(in some sources he is credited with 542). On top of this, he also
mowed down two hundred men with a Suomi 9mm submachine gun, bringing his
total kill count to over 700 men in under 100 days.



Nobody in history has ever been credited with more confirmed kills than
Simo Häyhä. He was an unlikely war hero who used patience, cunning and
precision to defend his country, his home, his people and his freedom
from communist totalitarian oppression. He was an unstoppable killing
machine the likes of which the world has never known before or since.



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captain organic wrote:
tolivendiewithLA wrote:
Are u fucking serious with this post bro? ur a newbie to MMA compared to me, I watch all fights, but don't get a hard on unless guys are in the top 30.

Uh, Are u fucking serious with this post bro?



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PostSubject: Re: Bad Ass of the Week   Wed Sep 26, 2012 10:08 pm

good shit, the nazis faired better

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PostSubject: Re: Bad Ass of the Week   Thu Sep 27, 2012 12:34 pm

Good story but I have a feeling my Russian wife would call bullshit. The only part of the story that I don't agree with is the part that says the Finnish are more used to the cold than the Russians. Siberia takes up 3/4 of Russia and is much colder than any part of Finland.
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PostSubject: Re: Bad Ass of the Week   Thu Sep 27, 2012 1:57 pm

But a vast majority of Russia's population lives geographically south of the southern border of Finland. Take a look at a map. http://maps.howstuffworks.com/russia-population-density-map.htm
http://www.finland.climatemps.com/
http://www.russia.climatemps.com/

And your wife calling Bullshit would not erase history. The man's life has been documented numerous times in less entertaining words than those provided above.

But this isn't news.

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captain organic wrote:
tolivendiewithLA wrote:
Are u fucking serious with this post bro? ur a newbie to MMA compared to me, I watch all fights, but don't get a hard on unless guys are in the top 30.

Uh, Are u fucking serious with this post bro?



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PostSubject: Re: Bad Ass of the Week   Thu Sep 27, 2012 2:12 pm

Here is a population distribution map from 1929


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captain organic wrote:
tolivendiewithLA wrote:
Are u fucking serious with this post bro? ur a newbie to MMA compared to me, I watch all fights, but don't get a hard on unless guys are in the top 30.

Uh, Are u fucking serious with this post bro?



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PostSubject: Re: Bad Ass of the Week   Thu Sep 27, 2012 2:13 pm

It's true that most Russians live in the temperate part of the country but you can't judge the coldest place by how far north it is. The coldest part of Siberia in the winter is the center, not in the north.
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PostSubject: Re: Bad Ass of the Week   Thu Sep 27, 2012 2:18 pm

But if very few actually reside in the coldest part, then what does that show?

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captain organic wrote:
tolivendiewithLA wrote:
Are u fucking serious with this post bro? ur a newbie to MMA compared to me, I watch all fights, but don't get a hard on unless guys are in the top 30.

Uh, Are u fucking serious with this post bro?



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PostSubject: Re: Bad Ass of the Week   Fri Sep 28, 2012 6:42 pm


No big deal guys

Daniel M'Mburugu is probably the hardest motherfucker to ever step foot in the rural farmlands of Kenya. On June 22nd, this 73 year-old grandfather was out in his farmland minding his own business when all of a sudden this gigantor leopard jumped out from some tall grass and mauled the fuck out of him. The beast let out an earth-shaking howl and pinned M'Mburugu to the ground, scratching the shit out of his chest with its back claws and trying to bite his face off with its gleaming fangs. M'Mburugu tried to free up his panga (Swahili for "big ass machete") so that he could take a good swipe at the creature that was slowly killing him, but then all of a sudden JESUS CHRIST sent a messenger pigeon down to him with a note that read:

Dear Daniel,
Fuck the machete. Just rip this motherfucker's tongue out.

Love,
God


So Daniel M'Mburugu dropped his machete and shoved his hand into the leopards mouth. The leopard chomped down on his hand, be he totally didn't even give a fuck. He just pulled the fucking leopard's tongue out of its head, causing it to die and get totally pwned by a 73 year-old dude. After he was done wrecking the leopard's shit, he told his neighbor to go get him some salt just so that he could rub it into his wounds, pound his chest like Tarzan and prove to everyone that he was the baddest motherfucker in town. Awesome.

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captain organic wrote:
tolivendiewithLA wrote:
Are u fucking serious with this post bro? ur a newbie to MMA compared to me, I watch all fights, but don't get a hard on unless guys are in the top 30.

Uh, Are u fucking serious with this post bro?



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PostSubject: Re: Bad Ass of the Week   Sat Sep 29, 2012 5:10 pm

oh thats chuck norris shit

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PostSubject: Re: Bad Ass of the Week   Wed Oct 10, 2012 12:03 pm

MURDER, HE SCROTE…..KNEE SLAINS SAC


In a nutshell, that's painful



Now that takes balls!

In a courageous display for the ages, British rugby league player Paul Wood suffered a ruptured testicle in a match Saturday in Manchester ... and kept playing.

Paul Wood, 30, who plays for the Warrington Wolves, took a knee to the groin early in the second half of the rugby league Grand Final as he was tackled by Kallum Watkins of the Leeds Rhinos. The force of the blow ruptured his right testicle, but the Warrington prop continued to play on for more than 20 minutes, the Daily Mail reported.

"I've been hit a few times in the groin area and normally you can run it off," the married father of two told the newspaper on Monday, "but this just got worse."

How bad? The size of a tennis ball, bad.

"The physios kept asking me if I wanted to go off but I said, 'No I'm fine, I'll get through it.' I came off after 25 minutes and that's when it started getting really bad. It swelled up to the size of a tennis ball."

Wood told the Daily Mail that winning the Grand Final was his primary focus.

"I wanted us to have a chance of winning," he said.

Unfortunately, Wood's heroics went for naught as Warrington lost 26-18.

The ruptured testicle was removed during emergency surgery Saturday at Hope Hospital in Salford, but the doctors left his sense of humor untouched.

"Just coming out the hospital to go home ... Seriously feel like I've left something?" Wood tweeted.

"Tony Smith (Warrington coach) did say in his pre-match team talk last night 'your balls are on the line here guys!' I didn't think he meant literally."

Wood says he plans on wearing a protective cup the next time he steps on the field.

"I'll definitely be protecting my other one now," he told the Daily Mail. "I've never worn a cup before, so it's just whether I can find one that's comfortable to play in."


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captain organic wrote:
tolivendiewithLA wrote:
Are u fucking serious with this post bro? ur a newbie to MMA compared to me, I watch all fights, but don't get a hard on unless guys are in the top 30.

Uh, Are u fucking serious with this post bro?



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PostSubject: Re: Bad Ass of the Week   Wed Oct 10, 2012 1:38 pm

cool story had no clue
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PostSubject: Re: Bad Ass of the Week   Wed Oct 10, 2012 2:10 pm

Yeah Ii think this just happened last weekend or even this week.

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captain organic wrote:
tolivendiewithLA wrote:
Are u fucking serious with this post bro? ur a newbie to MMA compared to me, I watch all fights, but don't get a hard on unless guys are in the top 30.

Uh, Are u fucking serious with this post bro?



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